Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Surat Cinta Padamu

REPOST: Original copy was posted on April 12, 2011 on annasshare.com. After the server provider shut down their service, the website went down. And now, I have extracted some of the contents from html code back up data. Improved some of the wording.  Feel free to read and share.

 

  
      Dalam kesuraman ultra lembayung tika tujuh bulan menumpahkan cahaya dibawah kaki langit kirmizi, tiba-tiba aku terkenangkan eurika nostalgia cinta lama yang kita palitkan berdua. Kehadiranmu bersama molekul-molekul hidrogen menerjang segala kekusutan yang membelit tali perutku. Dan kehadiranmu itu mengajar aku erti rindu gelora dan syahdu. Kau juga mengajarku erti cinta, singa laut, beruang kutub, penguin, lemcop, mee rebus, cendol, cornflakes, ayam guring, dan safety boot. Kala itu, kita bagaikan merpati dua sejoli. Ibarat sapi dan tali. Malangnya percintaan yang mendapat liputan meluas hingga ke planet marikh itu telah mengundang perpisahan yang akhirnya telah mengecewakan seluruh penternak ulat gonggok di Burma. Kau pergi jua ketika Kuala Lumpur sedang bersiap sedia menjadi tuan rumah Sukan Komanwel 1998.

     Sesungguhnya perpisahan itu berpunca daripada penebangan pokok getah secara besar-besaran di Lembah Klang dan Petaling Jaya. Pemergianmu menyebabkan aku menghidap penyakit resdung dan hepatitis-b secara mengejut. Ketiadaanmu memaksa aku memakai topi keledar setiap masa sebagai langkah keselamatan. Aku seperti tidak percaya dengan apa yang telah terjadi. Aku bagaikan tergelincir dari orbit bumi dan terpelanting ke ruang angkasa, berpangkal dari daya tarikan graviti terhadapku yang tiada lagi berfungsi dek kerana aku tersungkur dalam percintaan yang berlarutan hingga ke rubber-set. Seluruh perjalanan hidupku menjadi gelita bagaikan terperangkap di dalam gua yang gelap dan ditemani stalagtit dan stalagmit yang bagai sembilu.

      Kondominium cinta yang kita bina dari makgat basikal dan kipas helikopter akhirnya musnah setelah kau berpaling tadah. Ternyata sikapmu mulai berubah bila Malaysia mula melancarkan satelit MEASAT-1 ke ruang angkasa raya. Sejak itu kau sering melarikan diri bila terserempak dengan abang ibu angkatmu. Akhirnya aku menyedari bahawa diri ini tidak diperlukan lagi.

     Sejak kau tiada, aku sering menyendiri, berbual-bual dengan pokok betik untuk mengisi masa lapang. Kadang-kadang aku mengikat tin cola pada tiang rumah agar nampak lebih cantik. Saban hari aku termenung di dalam peti sejuk mengenangkan dirimu yang entah kemana menghilang. Aku cuba bermain bola raga sambil makan nasi arab untuk melupakanmu, tetapi aku tak berdaya. Lalu aku membakar mesin gedegang dan membelasah empat ekor lembu tenusu dan 2 ekor kambing biri-biri sebagai tanda aku tidak bersalah.

     Mengapa? Mengapa sayang? Mengapa ini semua bisa terjadi? Mengapa setelah kau curi hatiku, kau rompak cintaku lantas kau bunuh cintaku sehingga kau terbunuh dalam kemalangan jalan raya yang ngeri. Aku bagaikan terhimpit dan dihimpit oleh guni-guni bawang putih yang kau timpakan di atas belakangku. Derita yang kau timpakan itu adalah bebanan yang terlalu berat untuk ku tanggung bagaikan mendukung 75 ekor badak sumbu dan 386 ekor anak beruk. Dan kini segala harapanku hancur berkecai bagaikan aku terjatuh dari Menara Kuala Lumpur dan dihempap oleh Menara Berkembar Petronas lalu tersangkut di celah landasan LRT dan kemudiannya digilis pula keretapi Komuter hingga aku hancur berkecai. Oh! terlalu berat dugaan yang kutempuhi kini.

     Kini segalanya telah pun berakhir. Aku sedar siapa aku. Aku hanya insan biasa yang suka makan lemcop kakak kepala rugby. Aku bukan Logan, Keluang Man, Superman atau Kesatria Baja Hitam. Aku juga bukanlah Ultraman seperti yang kau idam-idamkan. Aku menyedari kekurangan diri dan kekurangan kemudahan awam di tempat aku tinggal ini. Tak perlu dikesali lagi kerana nasi telah menjadi kerak dan tin susu yang ku simpan di atas almari telah pun luput tarikhnya. Segalanya sungguh mengharukan dan semua hadiah pemberianmu termasuk keropok lekor kedai makan sebelah kubur telah pun aku cincang untuk dibuat makanan lembu.

     Walaupun segalanya telah pun berakhir, disini, diatas pokok getah ini aku tetap menunggu kau untuk kembali. Selagi ada nafas ini, selagi ada kompleks membeli-belah SunwayPyramid, selagi ada kedai bihun cicak kubin di sekitar Pekan, selagi kumpulan The Beatles tidak berpecah, aku tetap menunggumu sehinggalah mentari terbelah lapan. Namun aku menyedari bahawa penantianku hanyalah sia-sia belaka. Akhirnya aku mengambil keputusan muktamad untuk menunggu tiang lampu jalan dihadapan bilikku berbuah. kalau tiang lampu berbuah nanti, aku poskan buahnya kepadamu. Nak tak?

Sunday, April 23, 2017

It's Never Mean Nothing

Love.

No one can define what it really is.

I am in utter amazement whilst writing this topic because I am into it.

Let me start with the word "apparently".

There's a good reason why I keep my feeling unspoken. 
I really want to say I love you but it will hurt someone else.


        Apparently, there are a lot of lovebirds out there. The question is, does it really love that cling them together or just... you know.... wealth.... appearance... benefits... blablablabla... stereotypically saying...

What say you?

           As a matter of fact, me myself don't really can make head or tail when it comes to define love. I merely don't know how to convey the meaning of it because it's beyond my line of thought. I can make a good love storyline but not a comprehension about it. As well none of you can.

           So, I'll cut all the crap and start telling you what I really want to say. First of all, I'm sorry for the bad introduction because  I am shy to start the foreword with simply "I've fallen in love AGAIN". I thought the ability to love is long gone but lately it came and warms my heart. For the first time, I mean for the first time in a long of time, my heart got it's beat right to the rhythm. It's beating harmoniously like never before.

             I'd never made up good in love previously, so I'm afraid it will be the same this time. I lied when I said she is not my type. I tried to convince myself that I don't love her. I tried to seek her flaws and tried to hate her, but as the time goes by, it's made me fall deeper into her. Maybe, my willingness to be with her is more than my thought to just leave.

              But this love is complicated more than it seems. Honestly, there is no way out without being hurt. I may step out from this love but at the end I'll live the rest of my life with regret. Stepping out is the last thing I'll do. I'd never want to do it. Ever.

             All about my limitation. I am not really into my selfish thought either. I'm not giving up and let her slip away. I just let her happy with her life. I'm not going to drag her with my limitation. For now, I know I couldn't afford what she wanted so I just let her with someone else. I need time to improve myself. Maybe she wouldn't need me anymore at the time when I am a better somebody. But that "maybe" is worth of trying. No one knows what the future may bring right? Maybe at that time she still waiting. 

For the moment, let me live in envious for the sake of her joys.

Written by: An adorable demon.


Monday, April 17, 2017

The Demon Inside Me

Leaving... Losing... Being left alone, keep losing and try to survive between truths and lies... 

And that really sounds like me... 

Surrounded by bad lucks... merely because I tried to bury the demon deep inside... 

But apparently, the demon knows his way back to the surface of my life... 

or just perhaps, the demon is a part of me...


        When someone leaves after everything I've done good, that rings the bell for me to realise I am no good at all... I'm a bloody demon... They come when they need, and when they don't, they forget everything even to appreciate things... The same crossroad, same deal, but non of them fulfills the promises that were made... Human beings are bloody ungrateful...

          Able to feel, able to love is a curse for a demon like me... Those make me weak, vulnerable to be hurt... I wish I'd be a better demon, a stronger one and don't have feelings like human... Up to this time, I was afraid to tell people my past, to tell what I really was or what I am... Because what I've done before are too far from forgiveness... and I'm afraid of being left and live in a lonesome...


        I feel amazed, fascinated, feeling impressed when I see the beauty of the light enlighten up the sorrow of the darkness every damn frigging night... Maybe I'm just evil but not a complete darkness... Somehow, I miss the light when it's too dull... But when it's too bloody bastard bright, I don't like it at all...

         Maybe I just love to live in between... In where I don't have to chose neither bad nor good... and in where I don't need to stand with the truths or to lie within lies... or... perhaps, I'm just scare of the truths and afraid to be lied... I mean not again... like it was happen a thousand tick of times before... or... probably. I'm just tired of living this life...

         Hope....? What does it sound to you..? Frankly, I hate to admit that I'm hoping for something... I have to lie that I don't hope so I won't feel frustrated later on... Because I'm scare of disappointment.... You might be guessing how a demon like me would end up afraid with everything... well.... I'm not supposed to, but  I ought to be like this... it's because I have faith...

I believe in some later time, there'll come the one who will accept me, purify me from my sins, will love me like never before and willing to stand by me till the end of the time... 

hope so...

Such an adorable words by a hilarious demon like me;
April 17, 2017



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