Sunday, April 23, 2017

It's Never Mean Nothing

Love.

No one can define what it really is.

I am in utter amazement whilst writing this topic because I am into it.

Let me start with the word "apparently".

There's a good reason why I keep my feeling unspoken. 
I really want to say I love you but it will hurt someone else.


        Apparently, there are a lot of lovebirds out there. The question is, does it really love that cling them together or just... you know.... wealth.... appearance... benefits... blablablabla... stereotypically saying...

What say you?

           As a matter of fact, me myself don't really can make head or tail when it comes to define love. I merely don't know how to convey the meaning of it because it's beyond my line of thought. I can make a good love storyline but not a comprehension about it. As well none of you can.

           So, I'll cut all the crap and start telling you what I really want to say. First of all, I'm sorry for the bad introduction because  I am shy to start the foreword with simply "I've fallen in love AGAIN". I thought the ability to love is long gone but lately it came and warms my heart. For the first time, I mean for the first time in a long of time, my heart got it's beat right to the rhythm. It's beating harmoniously like never before.

             I'd never made up good in love previously, so I'm afraid it will be the same this time. I lied when I said she is not my type. I tried to convince myself that I don't love her. I tried to seek her flaws and tried to hate her, but as the time goes by, it's made me fall deeper into her. Maybe, my willingness to be with her is more than my thought to just leave.

              But this love is complicated more than it seems. Honestly, there is no way out without being hurt. I may step out from this love but at the end I'll live the rest of my life with regret. Stepping out is the last thing I'll do. I'd never want to do it. Ever.

             All about my limitation. I am not really into my selfish thought either. I'm not giving up and let her slip away. I just let her happy with her life. I'm not going to drag her with my limitation. For now, I know I couldn't afford what she wanted so I just let her with someone else. I need time to improve myself. Maybe she wouldn't need me anymore at the time when I am a better somebody. But that "maybe" is worth of trying. No one knows what the future may bring right? Maybe at that time she still waiting. 

For the moment, let me live in envious for the sake of her joys.

Written by: An adorable demon.


Monday, April 17, 2017

The Demon Inside Me

Leaving... Losing... Being left alone, keep losing and try to survive between truths and lies... 

And that really sounds like me... 

Surrounded by bad lucks... merely because I tried to bury the demon deep inside... 

But apparently, the demon knows his way back to the surface of my life... 

or just perhaps, the demon is a part of me...


        When someone leaves after everything I've done good, that rings the bell for me to realise I am no good at all... I'm a bloody demon... They come when they need, and when they don't, they forget everything even to appreciate things... The same crossroad, same deal, but non of them fulfills the promises that were made... Human beings are bloody ungrateful...

          Able to feel, able to love is a curse for a demon like me... Those make me weak, vulnerable to be hurt... I wish I'd be a better demon, a stronger one and don't have feelings like human... Up to this time, I was afraid to tell people my past, to tell what I really was or what I am... Because what I've done before are too far from forgiveness... and I'm afraid of being left and live in a lonesome...


        I feel amazed, fascinated, feeling impressed when I see the beauty of the light enlighten up the sorrow of the darkness every damn frigging night... Maybe I'm just evil but not a complete darkness... Somehow, I miss the light when it's too dull... But when it's too bloody bastard bright, I don't like it at all...

         Maybe I just love to live in between... In where I don't have to chose neither bad nor good... and in where I don't need to stand with the truths or to lie within lies... or... perhaps, I'm just scare of the truths and afraid to be lied... I mean not again... like it was happen a thousand tick of times before... or... probably. I'm just tired of living this life...

         Hope....? What does it sound to you..? Frankly, I hate to admit that I'm hoping for something... I have to lie that I don't hope so I won't feel frustrated later on... Because I'm scare of disappointment.... You might be guessing how a demon like me would end up afraid with everything... well.... I'm not supposed to, but  I ought to be like this... it's because I have faith...

I believe in some later time, there'll come the one who will accept me, purify me from my sins, will love me like never before and willing to stand by me till the end of the time... 

hope so...

Such an adorable words by a hilarious demon like me;
April 17, 2017



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